


Why Are We Here?

by AllMyBrokenStrings



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Action, Action & Romance, Action/Adventure, Adventure, Adventure & Romance, Angst and Romance, Awkward Romance, Blood Gulch Chronicles, Chorus (Red vs. Blue), Drama & Romance, Eventual Romance, Gay Male Character, Multi, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Reader-Insert, Romance, Slow Romance, male reader - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-02
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-04-06 11:11:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19061464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllMyBrokenStrings/pseuds/AllMyBrokenStrings
Summary: |Male Reader| (Y/n) got drafted for the war and was put onto Blue Team. Woopdie-Fucking-Doo. With nothing to do, but to stand around and talk, one question plagues his mind. Why are we here?





	1. 1

(Y/n) was sitting against the rock wall while his teammates Church and Tucker were watching the Reds. Church was the one in cobalt, Tucker wore Aqua-green armor, and (Y/n) wore vintage blue armor. Church was looking through a sniper rifle at the red base, (Y/n) and Tucker is just with him.

"What're they doing?" Tucker asked.

Church furrowed his eyebrows, "What?"

"He asked "what're they doing?"." (Y/n) sighed.

"God damn, I'm getting so sick of answering that question!" Church frowned.

"Hey, you have the fucking rifle, I can't see shit. Don't bitch at me, because I'm not going to just sit up here and play with my dick all day-" Tucker argued.

(Y/n) snorted. On the plus side, these guys were fucking hilarious.

"-Okay, okay look: They're just standing there, and talking, okay? That's all they're doing. That's all they  _ever_  do, is just stand there and talk." Church lowers his sniper rifle and looks at Tucker, "That's what they were doing last week, that's what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. So five minutes from  _now_ , when you ask me "What're they doing?" my answer's gonna be "They're still just talking, and they're still just standing there!""

"...What're they talking about?" (Y/n) smirked under his helmet.

"You know what? I fucking hate you guys." Church turn his back on them and went back to stalking the Reds.

From far away, they can see the orange one and the maroon one leave the base to outside in front of a vehicle.

"What is that thing?" (Y/n) sits up, a bit attentive.

"I don't know, but it looks like uh... looks like they got some kinda car down there. We'd better get back to base and report it." Church says uneasy.

 _Right. Because that'll do anything._ (Y/n) thought bitterly.

"A car? How come they get a car?" Tucker complained.

"What are you complaining about, man? We're about to get a tank in the very next drop," Church huffed, turning to Tucker.

"You can't pick up chicks in a tank," Tucker mumbled.

"Oh, you know what, you could bitch about anything, couldn't you. We're gonna get a tank, and you're worried about chicks." Church was put his sniper rifle next to his body, "What chicks are we gonna pick up man!? First, and secondly, how are we gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?"

"Well, what kind of car is it?" (Y/n) asked.

Church lifts his sniper rifle back up and zoomed in at the vehicle, "I don't know, I've never seen a car that looks like that before, it looks like a uh...like a big cat of some kind."

"......What, like a puma?" Tucker piped up.

"Yeah man, there ya go." Church nods absent mindedly.

The sound of a ship was distant but there. (Y/n) looks up and sees it was going to Blue base. (Y/n) stands up and began to walk towards it.

"Think our drop is here, guys." (Y/n) called out behind him, not looking behind himself.

Tucker hums in question before following (Y/n), "Come one, Church!"

Church rolled his eyes before jogging to catch up.

\----

\----

Church, Tucker, (Y/n), and a soldier in solid blue armor are looking at a tank that came from the shipment.

"So I say to the guy, "How're you gonna get the tank down to the planet?" And he goes, "I'll just put it on the ship" and I go, "If you've got a ship that can carry a tank,  _why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?_ "" The one in solid blue armor spoke a hit slowly.

"Hey kid?" Tucker spoke.

"Yeah?" The one in blue perked up.

"You're ruining the moment. Shut up," Tucker rolled his eyes.

"Oh. Okay. You got it man!" The one in blue grinned.

 (Y/n) frowned at Tucker's attitude, "Tucker. That's-"

"-You know what? I could blow up the whole God damn world with this thing." Church said in awe.

"You know what? Forget what I said before," Tucker says, "We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks a piece."

Church began to speak, "Oh man, listen to you-"

"-Yeah, what're you gonna do with two chicks?" (Y/n) finishes.

"Church, (L/n), women are like Voltron. The more you can hook up, the better it gets." Tucker shrugs.

After a beat of silence, Church began to speak, "Yeah I'll let you guys in on a little secret, I've uh...I've actually got a girl back home."

"Yeah? Girlfriend?" (Y/n) asked.

Church breathes out, "Huh? Yeah, she's just my girlfriend. We were gonna get married, but I got shipped out, and...ah, you know how it works."

 _Oof._ (Y/n) thinks.

"Oh, well, you gonna marry her when you get back?" Tucker asked.

The soldier in blue armor began to speak, (Y/n) honestly forgot he was even there, "I'm not gonna get married. My dad always said "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?""

Church's eye twitch, "Hey rookie... did you just call my girlfriend a cow?"

"No, I think he called her a slut!" Tucker exaggerates.

"Yeah...even I can't back you up on this one, rookie," (Y/n) winces.

Church puts his hands on his hips, "I'll tell you what newb, I could sit out here and listen to you insult my girlfriend all day long, but as it turns out, I got a lot more important job for you to do."

The rookie perks up, "Great."

Church stuttered a bit, "See, we've got this General."

Tucker joins, "Right, the General guy-"

"-Who likes to come by and make random inspections of bases. So what I'm gonna have you do, is I'm gonna have you go in the base, and stand right next to the flag at attention, just in case he decides to come by." Church smirks under his helmet.

"When is he coming by?" The rookie looks at (Y/n) for an answer.

"We-We never know," (Y/n) didn't want to be apart of this, but it was too late to back out now, "Could be today, could be a week from now."

The rookie slumps forward, "You want me to stand at attention for a week?"

Church hold back a laugh, "You know, you don't sound very grateful. This is the most important job at the whole base. You're gonna be right there with the flag."

"What's so important about the flag?" The solider in blue asked.

"Oh, come on, don't they teach you guys  _anything_  in training?" Church groaned.

"They didn't tell us anything about a flag. Why is it so important?" The rookie raised an eyebrow.

"Because it's the flag, man, you know, it's the f... it's the flag, it's...Tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important."

"Well, it's... it's complicated. Wuh... It's blue, we're blue..." Tucker fumbles with his words.

"It's just important, okay, trust us. So when the General comes by, the first thing he's gonna want to do is inspect the flag." Church explains.

"Right." Tucker nods.

"Mhmm!" (Y/n) hums in agreement.

"So just go in there, you know, far away from  _us_ , and wait for him." Church points to the base.

 _Smooth_. (Y/n) rolled his eyes.

Rookie turns and heads for the base, stops half way and turns around, "Uh how will I know when I see him?"

"There's only four of us out here, rookie," (Y/n) smiled patiently even though he couldn't see," He's gonna be the guy that doesn't look like one of  _us."_

"Now get in there, and  _don't come out!_ " Church shouted.

The rookie runs into blue base.

Church huffed as he turned to Tucker, "Man, that guy is dumber than you are."

"You mean he's dumber than  _you_  are." Tucker winced at his come-back.

(Y/n) chuckled, "Wow, Tucker, what a great come-back."

Rookie emerges from the base, with Church, (Y/n), and Tucker in the distance in front if the tank.

"Uh, mister Church? Sir?" The rookie calls from the base.

"Oh my God, WHAT!? Tucker, (L/n), I swear, I'm gonna kill him!

"Sorry about calling your girl a slut..." The rookie trailed off.

Church exploded, "ROOKIE! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY, GET IN THERE!"

Tucker and (Y/n) turn to each other and began to laugh quietly.

Church turns around to face Tucker's and (Y/n)'s back, "Tucker, (L/n), are you laughing at me?"


	2. 2

(Y/n) leaned against the Tank, messing with his battle rifle without a care in the world.

"Excuse me, sir, can I ask you a question?" The rookie must've came out of the base.

(Y/n) didn't look up, but he could tell Church was getting frustrated.

"Dear God in Heaven, rookie, if I turn around, and you are not inside, I... I can't be held responsible for what I'm gonna do to you!" Church exaggerated.

"What did I do?" The rookie asked.

"One..." Church began to count.

"Aw, gimme a break."

"TWO!"

"Fine."

The rookie runs back into the base.

"Well, enough gabbing out of us, let's take this bad boy out for a spin. Go ahead and hop in, Tucker." Church smiled.

"Me? I can't drive that thing." Tucker raised his hand in a form of surrender.

"You're telling me you're not Armor Certified?" Church slumped forward.

Tucker stuttered, "I ca- I don't even know how to use the fucking sniper rifle."

"Yeah. I can't drive it either...Don't  _you_  know how to drive that?" (Y/n) asked, pushing himself off the tank.

"No! Holy Crap! WHO IS RUNNING THIS ARMY!?" Church yelled.

The rookie emerged from the base, "Hey! Just wanted to let you know, the General stopped by, and picked up the flag!"

"Yeah. Okay. Whatever moron! Why would they give us a tank, if nobody here knows how to drive the damn thing?" Church pondered.

"Wait..." (Y/n) began to say, "What did he say?"

Church, Tucker, and (Y/n) look at each other and run into the base. The three of them and the Rookie are standing on the Blue Base

"Let's get this straight... you gave this guy  _our flag?_ " (Y/n) scrunches up his nose.

The rookie was shifting on his feet, "Is that bad?"

"Bad? Oh no, that's not  _bad_. Next time he comes over, why don't you just help him blow up the whole God damn base?" Church scowled.

Tucker juts his head in a certain direction, "There, there he is."

Church raises the sniper rifle and looks at the one who took the flag.

"Where... oh, yeah, oh, I got him. He's sneaking around back behind the cliffs."

"He must be one smart son of a bitch." Tucker commented.

"Nah, man. I think he's lost." (Y/n) tilts his head.

Church ignores him, "Oh, shit...Hey Tucker, (L/n), look at his armor. It's Red."

(Y/n) clicks his tongue, "Ah, shit, dood-"

"-Oh man, that means it's their Sargent." Tucker cuts (Y/n) off.

"Well, that makes sense. At least now we know how he got by our defenses." Church states.

The rookie furrows his eyebrows, "Uh you know, he came in the back door where you guys were standing."

(Y/n) made a small "oof" sound, "Yeah, well let's take him out then."

Church nods, "Roger that. Okay, say goodnight Sarge."

Church takes four shots, all of which miss to the left. The shots were loud, ringing in (Y/n)'s ears.

"Aw crap," Church lowers his sniper rifle.

Tucker and (Y/n) look at each other silently.

Church turns to them, "...What?"

(Y/n) chuckles a bit, "You're not very good with that thing, are you?"

Church rolled his eyes, and looks back at the Sargent through the rifle. The Sargent was waving the flag around.

"Oh great, now he's taunting us." Tucker comments.

"Yeah...That's kind of embarrassing." (Y/n) sighs.

"Alright, that's it, I've had it." Church turns back to Tucker, (Y/n), and the rookie, "Rookie, you stay here with (L/n). Me and Tucker, we'll head through the teleporter, we'll cut him off at the pass."

"Right!" The rookie replies enthusiastically.

"Um...why do I have to stay?" (Y/n) raises a hand as if he was in class asking a question.

"Because it'll give our position away if to many people go." Church replied obviously, "Tucker, you ready? Let's go."

(Y/n) pouted and crosses his arms, he wanted to be where the action was.

"There is  _no way_  I'm going through that thing." Tucker shakes his head.

"Tucker," Church groaned, "We don't have time for this. Why would they give us a teleporter if it doesn't work?"

"I don't know, why would they give us a tank that no one can drive?" He snapped back.

"We already tested the teleporter, remember?" Church says.

"We threw  _rocks_  through it." (Y/n) pipes in.

"Yeah, and, so what? The rocks came out the other side, didn't they?" Church rolled his eyes for the nth time.

"Yeah, but they were all hot, and covered with black stuff." Tucker pouted.

Church places his rifle over his shoulder, "Oh, so I guess that's what this is all about then, you're afraid of a little black stuff."

"Yes. I am." Tucker paused, "I am afraid of black stuff."

Church shakes his head, "Tucker, I almost hate to do this to you."

Church raises his gun to Tucker.

"You wouldn't..."

"You won't." (Y/n) called his bluff.

Church frowned, "You know, I look at it this way: either A, we go through there, and get the flag back, or B, we stay here, and I get to kill you. Either way, I win."

"For the record, I want you to know, rocks aren't people." Tucker looks at (Y/n) for a brief moment.

Church nods, "Duly noted. Now get in there."

Tucker slumped back, "Crap... Alright. One, two..."

Tucker runs in to the teleporter, but...he didn't come back out the other side.

The rookie who's been quiet speaks, "...Huh, he didn't come out the other side..."

(Y/n) panicked, "Is-Is he okay? Will he come out? Church you need to go after him!"

"Yeeeaaaahhhhh, I've uh, I've decided I'm not gonna use the teleporter." Church hisses.

(Y/n) was tempted to go after Tucker, but what good would that do?

Church jumps off the base and starts running to the Sargent: "Okay, Rookie, you stay here with (L/n)! I'll be back with the flag!"

(Y/n) and the rookie stood in am awkward silence for a while. Well, (Y/n) might as well get to know the rookie a bit. Like for starters his name.

"So...what's your name, man?" (Y/n) smiled.

"Oh! It's Caboose! Michael J. Caboose!" He answers happily.

"Oh! I like that name it's...unique. My name is (Y/n) (L/n). I like to go by (Y/n), but you know, gotta go by our last names and all." (Y/n) replied a bit awkwardly.

Caboose didn't seem to pick up on it, "Oh! Well, I can call you (Y/n) if you like!"

(Y/n) smiled at Caboose's kindness. Maybe they were being dicks to him earlier. Maybe? No, they defiantly were. Caboose then had gotten a sniper rifle and looked through the scope. Caboose was looking at Church and Tucker through the sniper rifle.

"Oh man, that's not good." Caboose said uneasy.

"What...what is it?" (Y/n) furrowed his eyebrows.

"Oh my God that jeep has a really big gun." Caboose ignored him.

(Y/n) looked over and saw that Church and someone in black armor was behind a boulder getting shot at.

Caboose puts down the sniper rifle to the ground.

"Stay here... Tank... Stay here... Tank... Ah, screw it." Caboose runs off to the tank.

(Y/n) runs after him, "W-Wait! Caboose!"

Caboose hops in the tank and the tank canopy closes.

"Wait! What about me?!" (Y/n) asked.

Caboose was about to answer, but the tank turns on.

"Hello, and thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila." Sheila the tank speaks robotically.

"Hello. Sheila. Big tank lady." Caboose stutters.

"Would you like me to run the tutorial program?" Sheila asked.

(Y/n) pouted, he couldn't really climb on the tank. Could he? He tested the theory. And yep, he could.

"Oh, that'd be very nice. Thank you." Caboose smiled.

"Tutorial program activated. This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of the Scorpion class tank. Let's begin with some driving." Sheila suggested.

"Okay." Caboose nods.

The driving was going smooth so far until they hit a fucking rock. Caboose had Sheila stranded on a tall rock, turning, trying to get off of it. (Y/n) was desperately trying to stay on the tank. But that was proving to be a challenge.

"Now that you've mastered driving the M808V, let's move on to some of the safety features." Sheila says.

Oh. The irony. (Y/n) thought.

"No, no, wait, go back!" Caboose unstrands the tank, "Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?"

(Y/n) snorts. This was so stupid.


	3. 3

The tank then rolls up behind two reds. Well, an orange one and a maroon one. Tank's turret looks at the orange one, then at the maroon one. They both turn at once to see the tank.

"Hoolyy crap. What in God's name is  _that_  thing?" The orange one asked.

 _It's a fucking tank, dude._ (Y/n) thinks.

The tank's turret slowly homing in on the orange one's head.

"Dude, hold still. I don't think it sees us." The orange one says.

The tank gets tone on Grif's head. Sheila's turret pointed at Grif, then it turns to face Simmons

"Why is it just  _sitting there_?" The orange one asks.

 _Yeah, what's the hold up, Caboose?_ (Y/n) thinks, turning his head to look at the soldier in regulation blue.

"Just trying to mess with our heads. Let's get back to the Warthog." The maroon one suggests.

 _The Warthog? It looks more like a cat..._ (Y/n) thinks.

"This tank is equipped with an auto-fire sequence, that can be activated by pressing the auto-fire button-"

"-Auto-fire, auto-fire, here, here! No, wait... okay that's more a switch than a button...-"

Sheila speaks over top of Caboose, "-This will end the tutorial, and should only be activated if proper safety procedures..."

"Okay, you ready? Let's do this on three. One..." The maroon speaks.

(Y/n) snaps his head to the reds. You would think after spying on them for three weeks, (Y/n) would at least learn their names. Would now be a bad time to ask? Probably.

"Wait. On three? Or three and  _then_  go?" The orange one asks.

 _"On_  three. It's  _always_  faster to go on three."

"Okay, okay. On three."

"Here!" Caboose says suddenly, pressing a button.

"Tutorial deactivated. Auto-fire sequence activated." Sheila states.

_Uh oh._

"Ready?" The maroon one asked.

"Acquiring target." Sheila's turret points to the orange one.

The orange one is backing away.

"One..." The maroon one began to count.

The orange one turns around and starts running away. The tank was tracking Grif.

"Target acquired."

The orange one was still running.

"Two..."

The tank locks on to the orange one's back.

"Target locked."

Then (Y/n) could faintly see from a distance that Church was beginning to run towards the Warthog. 

"Three!" The maroon one finished counting.

He turns around, sees the other running.

"Oh, you back-stabbing cock bite!" He spites.

(Y/n) snorted.

"Firing main cannon."

Sheila fires, blowing up the Warthog right in front of Grif.

"Son of a bitch!" The maroon one yells.

The orange one who was next to jeep yells too, "SON OF A BITCH!"

(Y/n) places his hands on his helmet where his ears would be, "Son of a bitch!"

Church was near the jeep, yells too, "Son of a bitch!"

"Firing main cannon."

Sheila fires.

"Shit!" The maroon soldier yells.

"Firing main cannon."

Sheila fires at the Warthog.

"Dammit!" The maroon one runs.

"Firing main cannon."

Sheila fires again. The orange and maroon soldier were hiding out behind a rock.

"Firing main cannon."

Sheila fires and hits the rock.

"Firing main cannon."

Sheila fires again. The tank scans the rock

"All targets eliminated. Acquiring new target." Sheila leaves the rock alone.

(Y/n) uncovers his "ears". It didn't do anything to muffle the noise, but oh well. He better get used to it. This was a war, after all. The turret starts panning up and to the left.

"Hey rookie, good job man!" Church yells from a cliff, "Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?"

"New target acquired." Sheila spins her turret around at Church.

The tank slowly pans up the cliff-side at Church

"That's not a target. That's Church." Caboose says.

"Yeah, that's right, it's me, Church! What's going on, man!" Church waved.

Sheila locks on to Church: "Target locked."

"What? No. Target unlock. Unlock! Please help me nice lady." Caboose freaked out.

(Y/n) was beginning to panic, "C-Caboose? What? Why is it locked?"

"Firing main cannon."

Caboose mutters, "Uh oh..."

(Y/n) follows, "Uh oh..."

Church slumped forward, "What? Oh, son of a bi-"

Sheila fires and hits Church. The blast throws him sprawling high up in the air. Church lands back on the ledge again.

(Y/n) can then faintly hear Tucker, "Holy fuck! Church, are you okay? Talk to me, Church! You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!"

Sheila lowers her turret, "Auto-fire sequence deactivated."

(Y/n) eyes widen, "Church! Caboose what the hell?!"

"It wasn't my fault! It locked on him!" Caboose's voice had guilt in it.

(Y/n) felt horrible. Maybe if he had went with Church and Tucker instead of staying with Caboose, maybe it would've locked on (Y/n) instead of Church. Or (Y/n) could've pushed Church out of the way. They didn't always see eye to eye, but they got along better with each other than they did with Tucker. Or maybe (Y/n) just gets attached to people too easily.

Tucker came down from the cliff and jogged up to the tank.

"Great you killed killed Church, rookie!" Tucker throws his hands in exasperation.

(Y/n) gets off the tank and walks over to Tucker, Yeah, Caboose. I can't back you out of this one."

Caboose replies in desperation, "I'm telling you it locked on!"

"Yeah, well let's just go kills the reds while we're at it, yeah?" (Y/n) suggests, "We can go bury Church's body later."

Caboose nods, "Oh...okay!"

He turns the tank around and drives it towards Red base. But it seemed to lock onto the jeep or the Warthog or whatever. Sheila kept shooting it and followed it to Red base. The keep got shot on top of Red base where a red solider, an orange solider, and a maroon solider were.

"Why do you keep firing at the jeep? Is it locked on?" (Y/n) asked.

"Yes!" Caboose replied.

"Target locked." Sheila says for some reason or another.

"Well unlock it," Tucker rolled his eyes.

"Last time I unlocked it, I KILLED CHURCH!" Caboose shouted.

"Oh, right... keep shooting the jeep then." Tucker shuffled on his feet.

(Y/n) had kept wincing every time Sheila fired. He wasn't used to guns, grenades, or rockets. He was trained in hand to hand combat and knives. (Y/n) was very good with knives. He doesn't know why they transferred him here in a middle of a boxed canyon of all places. He could've been better use somewhere else.

"Uh oh." Tucker suddenly says.

A plane flies over red base, heading towards the tank. (Y/n) eyes widen a bit.

"Um...Caboose?" (Y/n) backs away quickly.

"He, Caboose, you might wanna get out of the tank. Like right now." Tucker follows (Y/n).

"I can't figure out how to get this thing open!" Caboose panics.

"Night vision engaged." Sheila says aloud.

"Rookie, get out now." Tucker says, far from the tank.

(Y/n) was tempted to go back and help Caboose. Tucker must've sensed this and held him back by the back of his armor. Shells explodes progressively nearer to the tank.

"Okay, open the duh, okay, I, Sheila, will you please open the door?" Caboose's breathing quickens.

"Driver canopy open." Sheila opens the canopy.

Caboose gets out and runs off the tank.

"Thank you for using the M808V main battle ta-"A bomb hits the tank, blowing it on its roof backwards.

"Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, running, running, running." Caboose repeats under his breath like a mantra.

He reaches Tucker and (Y/n), "Man, that was close."

"I'm glad you're okay, Caboose!" (Y/n) smiles, feeling Tucker letting go of his armor.

"Yeah, but look at your tank though." Tucker looks around Caboose.

"I'm scared Dave. Will I dream? Daisy... Daaaaiisyyyyyy..." Sheila speaks distorted.

"Sheeeeiilaaaaa! Noooooo!"

"What? No! Sheila! Sheila!" Tucker paused, "Wait... who's Sheila?"

(Y/n) was about to speak, "The A.I. in-"

"-Sheila's the lady in the tank. She was my friend..." Caboose cut him off though.

"Oh, dude! I  _knew_ you could pick up chicks in a tank!" Tucker cheered.


	4. 4

(Y/n) juts his head towards Blue base, "Come on, let's go call Blue Command for reinforcements."

"Yeah, good idea. Guess what, (L/n)? You've just been promoted to Captain!" Tucker says.

(Y/n) furrowed his eyebrows, "What? One, why? Two, I can never take Church's place."

"Well, you seem pretty qualified for the job..." Caboose trailed off.

"Yeah, plus you're they only one here with actual military training. It makes sense." Tucker shrugs.

(Y/n) rolled his eyes and began to jog to Blue base, Tucker and Caboose follow.

\----

\----

Tucker and (Y/n) are in front of Caboose in front of the Blue base

(Y/n) places his hands on his Shakira hips, "You wanna radio Command? Or should I?"

Tucker shook his head as Caboose rubbed a cloth over his armor, "Nah, I got it."

Tucker turned his radio on, "Come in Blue Command. This is Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. Do you read me?"

"Okay, that is the last of it, your armor is clean now." Caboose says, throwing the rag over his shoulder.

"Did you get all the black stuff off?" Tucker asked.

Blue Command radio-ed in, "This is Blue Command, come in Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha."

"Hello! Command! We need help."

"Roger that, Blood Gulch, what is your request?"

"I don't know what the technical military term is for it, but uh, we're pretty fucked up down here. We need men!"

"...Dude, how long have you guys been down there?"

(Y/n) began to laugh.

Tucker replied flustered, "No, no no, naw, it- not like that. we need more men to help us."

Blue Command hums, "Roger that. Did you get the tank we sent?"

"Yeah, that got blown up too."

"Wow. Sucks to be you."

"Yeah, we know."

"Okay, here's what I can do. The nearest blue forces can be there in sixteen days, or I-"

"Sixteen days!? That's almost two weeks!"

"Or I can hire a nearby freelancer and get him there within a few hours."

"I like the 'in an hour' one." Caboose pipes in.

"Me too." (Y/n) says.

Tucker nods, "Yeah, me too. Roger that Command, we prefer the quicker solution."

Blue Command continues, "10-4 Blood Gulch, we will contact freelancer Tex, and have him there post-haste. Command out."

"Whoever he is, make sure he can fix a tank." Tucker says before ending the call.

(Y/n) furrowed his eyebrows behind his helmet, _We really shouldn't he messing with Freelancers._

"What's a freelancer?" Caboose asked.

"Hm? Oh, they like working for different companies at different times rather than being permanently employed by one company." (Y/n) explained.

"Uh....what?" Caboose was confused.

Tucker chuckled, "Freelancers are independent, they're not red  _or_ blue. They're just guns for hire, who'll fight for whoever has the most money."

Caboose nods in better understanding, "Oh! Like a mercenary."

Tucker hums, "Right. Or like your mom, when the rent's due."

"...Oh, that's funny." Caboose replies monotonously.

"Yeah, you didn't think that was too obvious?" Tucker beams.

"No no, no no, that was, that was good." Caboose shook his head.

Some soldier in white armor starts fading in in the background.

"Tucker...(L/nnnn)..." It sounded familiar...

"Who the hell are you?" Tucker was spooked.

(Y/n) wasn't amused.

The soldier in ghostly white armor spoke in a "spooky voice" , "I am the ghost of Chuuuurch... and I've come back with a waaarniiing..."

"You're not Church...Church is blue. You're white." Caboose pointed out as if it were obvious.

"Rookie, shut up, man. I'm a freakin' ghost! Have you ever seen a blue ghost before?" Church snapped.

"Yeah, that's definitely him." Tucker and (Y/n) speak in union.

"Now I gotta start all over again...ahem," Church uses the spooky voice, "Tucker...(L/nnnn)... I've come back with a waaarniiing..."

"Is it really necessary to do the voice?" Tucker interrupts.

"Yeah, it's kinda annoying." Caboose winces.

"I think it's fine." (Y/n) smiles.

" _Thank you_ , (L/n). Anyway, here's the deal. I've come back from the dead to give you a warning about Tex. Don't let-"

"-What's the warning?" Caboose interrupts.

"Shut up for one second, and I'll tell you." Church sighs.

Caboose made an "op" sound, "Sorry."

"Seriously, man, I mean, I'm coming back from the great beyond here. You think this is easy? It's not. It's not like I just, you know just pop in and out whenever I feel like it, it takes a lot of concentration." Church explained.

"Sorry." Caboose apologized.

"I mean, it's bad enough that you killed me to begin with, but now I come back and I can't even get a word in edgewise, man...." Church exhales, "Okay. Here's the deal-"

"-Is this the warning?" Caboose interrupts again.

"Alright, that's it, I swear to  _God_ , Caboose, your ass is haunted. When we're done here, I'm gonna haunt you." Church points at Caboose.

"Yeah, you're even starting to bug  _me_." Tucker says.

(Y/n) smiles patiently, "Let him talk Caboose. You'll get to ask questions later."

"Okay, (Y/n)!" Caboose beams.

"Okay, (L/n). You remember that I told you I was stationed on Sidewinder before they transferred me here to Blood Gulch, right?" Church looks at (Y/n).

(Y/n) nods, "Yeah.

Tucker shakes his head, "No."

"That's because I didn't tell you, you idiot." Church groaned.

"Sidewinder, isn't that the ice planet?" Caboose asked.

Church nods, "Yes."

Caboose smiles, "Cool, what was  _that_  like?"

"Um... it was  _cold_." Church furrowed his eyebrows.

Caboose pouted, "That's it? Just cold?"

Church sighed, "What do you want from me, a poem? It's a planet made entirely out of ice. It's  _really, fuckin', cold_."

Tucker rolled his eyes, "Would you just let him talk?"

"Alright, well, one day when I was there, everything was just like normal. I remember, I was out on patrol with my partner Jimmy. That Jimmy was a real good kid, everybody liked him." Church explained.

"Do you think I was a good kid Church?" Tucker asked.

"Yeah, me too?" (Y/n) asked.

"Tucker, don't get jealous man, just listen to the story, okay? And (L/n)....you were okay. Anyway, Like I said, guys were hanging around, waitin' for some action, bitching about the cold...Anyway, Jimmy was in the middle of telling me all about this girlfriend he had back home. And that's when Tex showed up. Private Mickey was the first to go. He was halfway across the base when all of a sudden he just started screaming bloody murder. The whole thing was over before it even started. Poor Jimmy was the last one to go. Tex walked up to him, pulled Jimmy's skull right out of his head and beat him to death with it." Church recites.

"Wait a second...how do you beat someone to death with their own skull?" Tucker asked.

"Yeah...That doesn't seem physically possible." (Y/n) squinted his eyes and raises his eyebrows.

"That's exactly what Jimmy kept screaming," Church crosses his arms, "Bottom line is: these freelancers, they're bad news, and Tex is one of the worst."

"If he's such a badass, why didn't he kill you?" Caboose raised an eyebrow.

"To tell you, I don't know  _why_  I'm not dead. Could've killed me at any point. But maybe it's because Tex and I have run in to each other once before." Church drooped his head back, then side to side.

"Where?" (Y/n) asked.

"You uh, you remember that girl I told you about back home? Well, let's just say that Tex is the real reason why we never got married." Church began to fade away, "Guys, I'm fading fast and I don't know when I'll be back. Just listen to my warning: don't let Tex get involved here."

"Okay."

"Alright"

"I mean it Tucker and (L/n). No fighting, no scouting, nothing. You'll regret it." Church then fades out.

"So, Tex and Church were after the same girl." Tucker finally says.

(Y/n) tilts his head, "That's...not it-"

"-I told you his girlfriend was a slut." Caboose teased.

(Y/n) looked up and saw a muscular, feminine figure in black armor.

"Uh....hi?" (Y/n) greets.


	5. 5

Tex was firing his gun.

"That's basically it sir, they have five guys over there and a big jeep." Tucker explained.

Tex, Tucker, (Y/n), and Caboose were on top of Blue base. Tex began reloading.

"And your flag." His voice was very deep.

"Yeah...that too." (Y/n) furrows his eyebrows at Tex's actions.

Tex throws a grenade.

"Uh, hey, Tex? I don't know what it's been like at your other bases, but we try not to use other soldiers as target practice here." Tucker shuffles on his feet.

Tex has been firing at Caboose.

Caboose has been standing still, "I'm scared."

Tex starts playing with various weapons as Caboose runs up to Tex, Tucker, and (Y/n).

"So, you've got the Special Forces black armor, I see. Were you in the Special Forces at some point?" Tucker asked.

Tex continues to play with a gun.

Tucker rambles on, "Yeah, I used to have black armor too. It was black because I got this stuff all over it from th-"

Tex runs off Blue base.

"Oh, okay, you gotta go? I'll see you later." Tucker stutters.

Caboose whispers, "I don't think he likes you."

Tucker sighs, "Thanks."

Tucker, (Y/n), and Caboose run up to the edge of the base.

"Where are you going?" (Y/n) asked.

Tex turns around to face them, "Red base. Kill everybody. Get the flag back."

Caboose nods, "Uh... Okay! We'll just stay here and guard the trans... porter..."

Tex runs to Red base. His body becomes a small spec that (Y/n) can't really see. And he doubt that Tucker can too. Soon, Caboose pulls out a sniper rifle and looks through the scope. He's quiet for a few minutes before he says anything.

"Man... he is really kicking their asses." Caboose comments.

"How come I never get the fucking sniper rifle?" Tucker throws his arms in the air in defeat.

(Y/n) winces. He'd say he doesn't get it either, but Church would share it with him all the time.

Caboose lowers the rifle, "I'm really glad Tex is on our team and not theirs."

"Sure makes things a lot easier on us." Tucker finished with his tantrum.

Caboose nods, "Yeah. I think switching Tex for Church was a good trade."

"Caboose!" (Y/n) scolded, "That's rude! Some people here actually are sad he's dead okay?"

"Oh..." Caboose replied awkwardly, "Sorry."

Tucker tried to change the subject, "Did Tex get in the base?"

Caboose raises the rifle, "Yeah."

Then some freaky game voice from out of no where said, "Blue team, flag returned."

"What the...who the hell said that?" (Y/n) asked.

Someone clears their throat, "Sorry, that was me."

It was Church: "I uh, I guess I had something stuck in my throat. Your flag is back, by the way."

"Church!" (Y/n) beamed.

"Hey...it's Church." Caboose says.

Church smiled, "Yeah, it's me. Hey Caboose. (L/n)."

Caboose rocks on his heals, "Hey Church, what're you up to?"

"Caboose, ah ha ha, I'm not really here to make small-talk, okay? How'd you guys manage to get your flag back?" Church asked.

 _Probably should mention that they wouldn't listen to me when I said we had to send Tex back._ (Y/n) thought.

Tucker stuttered, "Wh-what? Oh, th-that flag? We've always had  _that_."

"Tucker, who do you think you're trying to fool? Hey wait a second... Where's Tex?" Church crossed his arms.

Tucker rubbed the back of his neck, "I'm not really sure, he said he was gonna go to the store, something about uh, Elbow Grease."

Church groaned, "Oh great. This is so  _typical!_  What was the one thing I told you guys the last time I appeared?"

"That Sidewinder is cold!?" Caboose piped in.

Church groaned, "Nuhhhh, what was the  _other_  one thing I told you?"

"Not to let him get involved?" (Y/n) said with guilt.

"Right. And what did you do?" Church nods.

Tucker sighs, "We let him get involved."

Church nods again, "And not just a little involved, how involved?"

Caboose kicks his foot, "Very, very involved."

Caboose gets the sniper rifle and looks through the rifle.

"Yep, he's definitely captured... Or dead... Captured or dead...." Caboose inhales sharply, "Or captured  _and_  dead!"

Church throws his arm's in the air in defeat, "Oh, well that's just  _perfect!_ "

"What?" (Y/n) was kind of confused.

"Yeah, what's your problem? Why do you even care if he's captured, I thought you hated that guy anyway, for stealing your girlfriend?" Tucker continues for (Y/n).

"I never said I hated Tex. I just said that she was the reason why we never got married." Church glares at them through his visor.

Caboose furrows his eyebrows, "She?"

\----

\----

Tucker had his arms crossed, "Let me get this straight... you're telling me that the guy that showed up here, scared the living shit out of us, shot at Caboose and beat the hell out of the reds wasn't a guy at all? That he was a chick? And on top of that, she was your ex-girlfriend?"

Church nods, "In a nutshell, yes. That's an excellent summary."

"I should have known... She didn't like me... Girls, never, like me." Caboose says.

"Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you." Tucker insults.

"That's not true, I like you, Caboose!" (Y/n) beamed.

Caboose speaks solemnly, "I like me too..."

Tucker ignores the other two, "I don't think I've seen a girl that  _mean_  before. Are you sure she's a chick? And not a guy? Or like, part guy part shark?"

Church shakes his head, "I'm pretty sure I'd know if Tex was a guy. And I'm  _definitely_  sure I would know if she was part shark."

"Way, oh, wait oh wait. If she's a girl, then why is she named Tex?" Caboose asked.

"Uh... because she's from  _Texas_." Church says.

"..." Caboose didn't say anything in response.

Church groaned, "Trust me, it makes sense. And you can't blame her for being so aggressive. It's not entirely her fault to begin with."

"Riiight..." (Y/n) draws out.

"Right. You should blame God. First he makes hangovers, and now, half women, half sharks that won't even sleep with me. Thanks for nothing, God!" Tucker shakes his fist in the air in damning God.

"Will you shut up with that?" Church snapped, "She got recruited in to some kind of weird experimental program back during basic where, they infused her armor with this really aggressive A.I. I'm not really sure how it all works, but all I know is it made her meaner and tougher than hell."

" _A.I..._  What's the A stand for?" Caboose questioned.

"Artificial." (Y/n) smiled.

"...What's the I-"

Church interrupted him, "Intelligence."

"Ooohhhhhhhhh what was the A again?" Caboose smiled.

"Let's move on." (Y/n) suggested.

"So, the military put this program in her head, and that program made her a killer. But underneath it all she's really just a sweet, down-home girl?" Tucker came to that conclusion.

"Oh  _hell_  no. She's always been a rotten bitch, it's just now she's a rotten bitch with cybernetic enhancements." Church corrected.

"Wow. Sounds like you really won the lottery with that one. Good catch there buddy, she's a keeper." Tucker was being facetious.

It wasn't any of (Y/n)'s business, but Church deserved better. It wasn't fair to him.

"So how're you doing, Caboose? Are you following any of this whatsoever?" Church turned to the man in regulation blue.

"I think so... That guy Tex is really a robot, and you're his boyfriend. So that makes you... a gay robot." Caboose nods at his full understanding of the situation.

"Yeah... that's right... I'm a gay robot." Church sighs.

(Y/n) rolled his eyes, "Well Mr. Gay Robot Man Sir, what shall we do about your mean girlfriend?"


	6. 6

Church clapped his hands together, "Well, I have a great plan for how we're gonna rescue Tex."

"A plan?" (Y/n) raised an eyebrow, "Are you sure we're smart enough for that?"

"Oh, man, I  _hate plans_. That means we're gonna have to do stuff. Can't we just have a strategy, or...mission statement?" Tucker complained.

Church nods, "I just need you guys to run a distraction, while I spring Tex."

Caboose shifts on his feet, "Distraction? Heh. That sounds a lot like "decoy"."

Church rolled his eyes, "The way I see it, the reds have absolutely no idea how many freelancers we have out here. So all I need from the three of you, is to run around in the middle of the canyon, wearing black armor, while I sneak in the back of the base."

"That doesn't sound half bad," (Y/n) comments.

"Sounds good. But Church, where the hell are we gonna get three suits of black armor?" Tucker asked.

Church looks at the teleporter, then Tucker looks at the teleporter.

Tucker curses under his breath, "...Oh fuckberries..."

"Well, you first Tucker," (Y/n) chuckled.

Church disappears for a moment before reappearing in front of the teleporter from the Gulch.

"Crap...Well, here I go." Tucker runs in.

Tucker then emerges from the teleporter, his armor was covered in black stuff.

Church and Tucker speak for a bit before Tucker turns to the base, "Come on, (L/n)!"

(Y/n) shakes his head before running through. After a second he emerges from the teleporter covered in black stuff too.

"You good, (L/n)?" Church asked.

"Kind of hurts if I'm honest. But it's bearable." (Y/n) shrugs.

(Y/n) turns to the base and smiles, "Come on, Caboose!

Caboose shouts, "Does it hurt?!"

Tucker answers before (Y/n) can, "No, not at all!"

"Fucking liar," (Y/n) chuckled quietly.

Caboose nods, "Okay! Here I come!"

He runs into the teleporter then emerges from the teleporter: "Owwchie."

Caboose turns to Tucker, "You lied to me."

Church rolled his eyes before going invisible again and reappearing at the cliff side. Church was looking through a sniper rifle...they'll never know how he holds it, being a ghost and all.

"Hey Tucker, come in man, are you there? This is Church, it's working. The orange one is coming out of the base. I repeat, the orange one is coming out of the base." Church spoke through the radio.

Caboose, (Y/n), and Tucker were hiding behind a rock, listening over the radio.

Tucker nods,"Roger that."

Caboose beams up, "Oh, oh oh oh, Tucker, Tucker Tucker. Is that, is that Church?"

Church began to speak, "Okay, now just keep moving around outside of the base, and draw their attention."

Caboose speaks over top of Church, drowning him out, "Tell him, that I...I said...for me to say hi?"

"Whoa wait wait, hey. What? I missed that, Caboose was talking to me. Shut up man, I'm on the radio."

"I said, just keep movin-"

"-I'm not yelling, I'm just telling you to let me finish talking to Church. ...No, I'll tell him you said 'hi'  _later_. No you can't talk to him. How could you possibly talk to him on my headset?"

Caboose began running across the Gulch. He stops next to a rock and stares at it.

"Why is he just standing there?" (Y/n) squinted his eyes and raised his eyebrows.

Tucker crouching behind another rock with (Y/n) and calls out to Caboose, "Caboose, get behind the rock. They can still see you."

Caboose whispers, "They can't see me. I can't see them!"

"That's because you're facing the rock." (Y/n) shakes his head.

Caboose looks at red base, "Oh. Right."

He ducks behind the rock.

"Real smooth, dipshit." Tucker mutters.

Tucker moves to the same rock as Caboose. Then a bit after, (Y/n) follows.

Caboose smiles, "Hey (Y/n)?"

"Wait. Who's that?" Tucker asked.

"Me. Yes, Caboose?" (Y/n) smiles at the end.

Tucker shakes his head, "What? Why doesn't he just call you (L/n)?"

"I'm having a really good time...with...you." Caboose stutters a bit.

"That's great, Caboose!" (Y/n) grins, then it falters when talking to Tucker, "And because I told him to call me by my first name."

Caboose nods, "Yeah, it's like we're  _real soldiers_."

(Y/n) tilts his head, "We _are_ real soldiers, Caboose."

"It's just...It's weird to be on first name basis." Tucker continues to comment.

Caboose then gets a sniper rifle and looks through the scope.

Tucker asked, "What're you doing?"

Caboose doesn't look away from the scope, "One of the reds has Tex. I'm going to shoot him, and kill him, and free Tex. Then Church will forgive me for killing  _him_ , and we will be friends."

Tucker rolls his eyes, "Oh, come on, you don't actually believe any of that, do you?"

Caboose began training on the Sargeant's head, "Ohhh, we're gonna be best friends."

Caboose shoots Sarge in the head and Sarge's body falls down dead-like.

Church appears as Ghost from where the Sargeant was and looks around, "What the? Where did my body go? Oh, you've gotta be KIDDING me!"

Caboose points to Tucker, "Tucker did it!"

(Y/n) snorts, god he can't believes he's been put into this war.

\----

\----

Caboose, (Y/n), and Tucker are outside the blue base. Tucker and (Y/n)'s armor is clean thanks to (Y/n) and Caboose.

Caboose exhales, "Ah, man, uh, you know, this stuff does not come off easy?"

Tucker nods, "Yeah, this was a lot easier when we were cleaning just my armor."

Caboose huffed, "Yeah, I know that, that's I think because you know uh,  _you didn't do anything_."

"I'm sorry, what? It's kind of hard to hear you over the sound of your constant team-killing." Tucker teased.

(Y/n) made an "ooooh" sound.

Caboose laughs, "Ah, ah, aaahhhh ha ha ha ha ah yeah, ah yeah aha, ahhhhhhhhhhhhh... Don't make me mad."

(Y/n) chuckles, "Oof."

\----

\----

"As far as I'm concerned, I'm square with you," Tex says to Church.

Caboose, (Y/n), and Tucker simultaneously turn to face Church, like a tennis match or something.

Church scoffed, "I saved you from a life of imprisonment. How the hell are you square with  _me_?"

Caboose, (Y/n), and Tucker simultaneously turn to Tex.

Tex rolled her eyes under her helmet, "Because  _I_  didn't kill  _you_  back at Sidewinder."

Caboose, (Y/n), and Tucker simul...you get the idea.

"You know, I don't really see how not killing somebody is the same thing as doing them a favor," Church says.

"Well, if you don't appreciate it, I could just kill you right now."

"No you can't, I'm already dead, bitch! I guess the joke's on you!"

Caboose interrupts them, "Stop it! Stop fighting. Can't you see that you're tearing us apart? WHAT ABOUT US?"

Tex scoffed, "What  _about_  you?"

Caboose continued, "We helped you too. And what do we get? Nothing!"

"Well yeah, but..." Tex trailed off.

Church smugly said, "Yeah,  _but nothin'_. He's got a point."

Tex tried to get out of this, "I did help them get the flag back."

"Yeah, okay. But you were paid to do that. We rescued you as a favor." (Y/n) smiled.

"Yeah. We could have just let you rot in the red army prison, it wouldn't have made any difference to us." Tucker continued.

"Fine, I'll stay here as long as it takes to help you guys win this thing. As soon as I have, I'm outta here." Tex crossed her arms, "What do you need me to do?

Tucker shrugged, "I have no idea. If you knew how to fix a tank, I would have you do that."

"...okay." Tex shrugged.

"Wait, you know how to fix Sheila?...I love you." Caboose claims.

(Y/n) knew Caboose probably didn't mean it romantically, but there was a small pang in his chest when he heard him say those words to Tex and not him. It's probably nothing.


End file.
